I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
