The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
