love makes seman taste better
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
