Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
