I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think I sprained my soul last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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