Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
