If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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