We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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