Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
