Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
