apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
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next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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