Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she pinky promised me she was 18
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
