sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
