Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
