what day is it and did you see me today?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
