he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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