I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
