so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
