Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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