There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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