My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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