The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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