i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
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Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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