His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
