go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
