whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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