so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
