Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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