just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
