Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
