Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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