That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Randomize
