Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
