I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
