pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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