Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
