im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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