so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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