just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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