god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
