I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
