So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
