Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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