It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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