when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
