If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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