I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
