omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
