I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
