I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
