A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
