Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
