Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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