So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
